I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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