I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
