New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Randomize
