Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
