Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
where are my eyebrows?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
