Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
