Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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