does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
