I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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