Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
whose parrot is this?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
