i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
