Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
