Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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