i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
