Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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