if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize
