I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
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