My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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