I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
