He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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