Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
