My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
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It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
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I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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