i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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