In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
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despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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