Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
this will be a night to untag.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
