When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
