I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Is Oprah even human
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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