Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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