so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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