Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
