Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
