8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
