Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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