Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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