Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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