You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
