just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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