I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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