i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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