I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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