I hate your face
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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