somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
