I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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