I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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