It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
