I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
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Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
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He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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