dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
