Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
