Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
