I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
