Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
