he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
