Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I need to sanitize my soul.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
