I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
