We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
