Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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