I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
